I Do, or In which Pickett is angry a lot
by Zephdae
Summary: A parody of the Season 3 mini finale. Tagline: Nothing is safe. Nothing is sacred. Everything WILL be mocked.
1. Part 1

Season Three, Episode Six:  
I Do, _or_ In which various faintly ridiculous things happen, and Pickett is angry a lot

**Part One**

Episode opens on a FLASHBACK. A FLIPPY-HAIRED KATE is entering a HOTEL ROOM, where she opens a BOX containing a WHITE VEIL.

KATE: Just in case anyone couldn't tell from the title of the episode that the flashback is about my marriage.

SCARY COP VOICE: Open this door! RAR!

KATE: Oh, officer, I hope you brought your handcuffs, because I'm a very naughty girl!

SCARY COP VOICE: I've got 'em right here!

KATE: Wow, I sure hope the guy at the door is who I think it is and not some old fat cop.

She OPENS the DOOR to reveal—

FIREFLY FANS: Aaaaaah!

MAL THE COP: Good fakeout, huh? Betcha thought I was here to arrest Kate! But I'm actually here to jump her bones! Also, I think her name is Monica.

FIREFLY FANS: …And?

MAL THE COP: Oh, all right… Gorram!

FIREFLY FANS: YESSS!

KATE: Whatever. Let's have sex.

MAL THE COP: Shiny.

FIREFLY FANS: die of happiness

Back on the ISLAND, a much DIRTIER and NON-FLIPPY-HAIRED KATE is WAKING UP in her CAGE, with much gratuitous FLASHING of the CLEAVAGE.

SAWYER: Too bad I'm facing the wrong direction. Some cleavage might cheer me up.

KATE: Get me a fish biscuit?

SAWYER: Too…depressed…

KATE: I'll bend over some more.

SAWYER: …Okay.

Somewhere in the DARK, SCARY, DAMP, POSSIBLY UNDERWATER TORTURE CHAMBER, the-artist-formerly-known-as-HENRY-GALE and the-artist-currently-known-as-JULIET are VISITING JACK in his AQUARIUM CAGE.

JACK: So, I've been studying these x-rays for a while now, and I've come to the conclusion that the tumor on your spine is going to kill you.

BEN: That's really helpful, Jack.

JACK: You see, the, uh, growth of the tumor is approaching an encroachment upon the, uh, exoskeleton of the—

BEN: He doesn't know what he's talking about, does he?

JULIET: Doesn't sound like it.

BEN: Great. So much for the God-must-exist-because-a-spinal-surgeon-fell-from-the-sky argument. If God does exist, he must just want to torture me.

JACK: So, when do you want me to operate?

BEN: Um. Wellll…

JACK: I'm a super stud spinal surgeon! Just ask _her_, she's got all the papers to prove it.

JULIET: He did go to Columbia.

JACK: See?

BEN: Well, all right. Let's do the operation tomorrow, then.

JACK: NO! Hahahahah!

BEN: God. Me. Torture.

-LOST-

Scene opens on a FLASHBACK. KATE and KEVIN are in BED, presumably POST-COITUS.

KEVIN: I love you.

KATE: I love _you_!

KEVIN: I love you _more_!

KATE: No, _I_ love _you_ more!

KEVIN: Thank God I have a manly profession, or probably my testicles would have fallen off by now.

KATE: That would be a shame.

KEVIN: I love _you_ more!

KATE: Okay, enough with the pillow talk.

KEVIN: But Monica loves pillow talk! And cuddling!

KATE: Right. And I'm Monica.

KEVIN: Right.

KATE: I love _you_ more!

KEVIN: We are _soo_ perfect for each other!

Back on the ISLAND, PICKETT arrives at KATE'S CAGE.

PICKETT: Time to go haul rocks around for no apparent reason.

SAWYER: Hey, look over here! I'm fulfilling my quota of gratuitous shirtless screentime for the episode.

PICKETT: Also, I hate Sawyer.

KATE: I don't wanna haul rocks today.

PICKETT: Too bad, let's go. Also, I hate Sawyer.

KATE: Hey, wait a second! If _Sawyer_ doesn't have to haul rocks today, then _I'm_ not gonna haul rocks either!

PICKETT: Sawyer gets a day off. Because I am secretly planning to sneak back here and murder him. Also, I hate him.

KATE: He gets a day off??

PICKETT: Well, death waits at the end of it, but yes.

KATE: Not fair!

PICKETT: _Fine_. He can come haul rocks today, and I'll murder him some other time. Also, I hate him.

SAWYER: Dammit, Kate, I almost got a day off. What'd you have to screw it up for?

Pickett LEADS Sawyer from his CAGE.

PICKETT: Daggers. I am glaring daggers of extremely extreme prejudice at you. Also, I hate you.

SAWYER: Yeah. I get it.

PICKETT: Hate. And _lots_ of it.

Back on the OTHER ISLAND, LOCKE, SAYID, DESMOND, and the two UNMENTIONABLES with INEXPLICABLY PERFECT HAIR are gathered around EKO'S CORPSE.

EKO: I'm dead.

DESMOND: This death has shaken me deeply. Even though all I know about Eko is that he was a priest who, at one point, I almost blew up.

FEMALE UNMENTIONABLE: It's okay, Desmond. I miss Eko too.

LOCKE: Oh Eko…why?? I saved you from the polar bear once, but she just couldn't leave you alone!

SAYID: Polar bear?

LOCKE: Yes. Polar bear.

SAYID: Maybe it was the monster.

LOCKE: No way! I love the monster! The monster would never kill anyone!

SAYID: Really? Because the word "monster" implies otherwise.

FEMALE UNMENTIONABLE: Hey, we're not gonna carry Eko all the way back to the beach, are we? 'Cause he's kind of…big.

LOCKE: Shut up.

SAYID: He really is big.

LOCKE: …Fine. Let's go get some shovels from the beach.

MALE UNMENTIONABLE: Thankfully, instead of saying anything this episode, I've decided to put all my mental powers toward maintaining my hairstyle. I can feel it slipping.

LOCKE and SAYID proceed to TREK through the JUNGLE.

SAYID: I think the monster killed Eko.

LOCKE: Yeah, well, _I_ think that Eko died for a reason.

SAYID: You would think that, wouldn't you.

LOCKE: You know, Sayid, everything happens for a reason. And now let me tell you a vague and possibly wise story that may somehow tangentially illustrate that point. One day many years ago, I saw a dog in a junkyard and I thought—

SAYID: Why don't you tell me where we're _really_ going instead?

LOCKE: Just on a mysterious detour.

AUDIENCE: Oooh, cool! About time something exciting happened in this episode!

Back on HYDRA ISLAND, KATE and SAWYER are hauling STICKS instead of ROCKS in an EXCITING NEW DEVELOPMENT.

AUDIENCE: Yay.

LOUD ANNOUNCING VOICE: Compound breach! Compound breach!

SAWYER: Where'd the PA system come from?

Important WALKIE-TALKIE COMMUNICATION begins.

PICKETT: Did that stupid doctor try to let the ocean in again?

Suddenly, DENNIS THE MENACE attacks with her SLINGSHOT. Pickett pulls out his GUN.

ALEX: Ha! Got you, Mr. Wilson!

PICKETT: Freeze!

ALEX: Yeah, Mr. Wilson doesn't usually have a gun…

PICKETT: How'd you get over here?

ALEX: Canoe.

PICKETT: I've _got_ to stop leaving that out.

ALEX: Where's Ben??

PICKETT: Ben hates you.

ALEX: No he doesn't… You're just full of hate!

Suddenly, a RANDOM OTHER sneaks up and GRABS Alex from BEHIND.

PICKETT: Ha! Where's your slingshot now?

ALEX: I've gotta stop taking weapons advice from comic book characters.

KATE: Well, that was interesting. At least she didn't just sneak up and talk to me about clothes and boys, like last time.

ALEX: Kate! They're going to kill your boyfriend! Just like they killed mine!

KATE: Oh. Well, she's a teenager.

ALEX: And I want my dress back!

KATE: Oh geez.

They continue WORKING while PICKETT and JULIET have a quiet CONVERSATION.

PICKETT: So, how 'bout it?

JULIET: Danny, I know you're very lonely since Colleen died, but really—

PICKETT: Bitch.

JULIET: I gotta go do something important now.

She approaches KATE.

JULIET: I need you to put this hood on and come with me.

KATE: Um…no?

JULIET: It's really important, see, because if you don't, Sawyer will— Oh, forget it. Listen, that man is sexually harrassing me, and I need you to play along so I can get away from him.

KATE: I hear ya, sister!

She PUTS ON the HOOD and has a FLASHBACK. She is STANDING in front of a MIRROR in her EXTREMELY TIGHT WEDDING DRESS.

KATE: I look so hot, it's too bad I can't move.

The MOTHER-IN-LAW enters.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: I'm here to begin a fairly pointless scene in which I give you a necklace.

KATE: Well, that's nice.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: I must also acquaint the audience with certain important facts, such as the number of children I have and how popular my son is with his fellow policemen.

KATE: That sounds like…a waste of screentime in which something exciting could be happening.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: I agree. Go get hitched.

Slightly LATER, KATE and KEVIN are standing in the CHURCH in front of a MINISTER.

MINISTER: Monica, you are perfect for Kevin because you are so honest. Not secretive at all. You would never hide anything from anyone, because you are the most open and frank person he has ever met.

KATE: This speech is making me very uncomfortable.

MINISTER: Yes, Monica, your honesty is your most important and attractive trait.

KATE: Really? 'Cause I think my boobs are pretty important and attractive too.

MINISTER: You may kiss the bride. The honest bride.

AUDIENCE: Okay, we get it, everyone thinks she's all honest and perfect. Something exciting now please?

Back on the ISLAND, JULIET is leading KATE through the DARK, SCARY, DAMP, POSSIBLY UNDERWATER TORTURE CHAMBER to see JACK in his AQUARIUM CAGE.

JACK: Kate!

KATE: Oh, it's you.

JACK: Can we embrace through the plexiglass?

KATE: I don't think so.

JACK: So, how's it going?

KATE: You mean besides having been kidnapped, held in a cage with no sanitary facilities, and forced to work at the apparently pointless task of clearing brush and rocks?

JACK: Oh. Well…Juliet feeds me burned grilled cheese sandwiches.

KATE: Poor you.

JACK: She doesn't even give me any cookies!

KATE: Well, while you're in here not getting any cookies, Sawyer is being threatened with death by a murderous madman!

JACK: Sawyer? Yeah, don't care.

KATE: And I'm supposed to ask you to perform the operation on Henry.

JACK: Ben.

KATE: Whatever the hell his name is.

JACK: We should call him Benry.

KATE: Okay, this is _not_ the topic we are supposed to be discussing.

JACK: Why should I operate on the man who is completely responsible for all the hostilities we have suffered since crashing on this island?

KATE: Well, that's not really true…the monster and the polar bears and the boars were responsible for some of it. And we don't really know if Henry—I mean Ben—

JACK: Benry.

KATE: —we don't really know if he's the one who was behind all the kidnappings and murders and such—

JACK: Are you seriously defending Benry?

KATE: Are you seriously calling him Benry?

JACK: This conversation isn't going well. Let's start over.

KATE: Okay.

JACK: Kate…I love you.

KATE: What the hell is wrong with you?

JACK: Um. Well, I haven't had any cookies in a while.

KATE: Listen carefully here, Jack. You need to operate on Henry…so that Pickett won't kill Sawyer.

JACK: Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer! Is Sawyer the only thing you care about?

KATE: Yes.

JACK: Oh.

KATE: Sorry.

JACK: Go away! I don't want to talk to you anymore!

KATE: Jack…

JACK: It's okay, I'll be okay, I just need some time to work through this.

Somewhere else in the DARK, SCARY, DAMP, POSSIBLY UNDERWATER TORTURE CHAMBER, BEN is WATCHING this scene on his VIDEO BANK.

AUDIENCE: How very The Truman Show of you.

JULIET: How's it going?

BEN: Same as usual…not enough sex.

JULIET: Oh, go watch your soaps.

* * *

AN: Hey, hope you liked it! If you did, check out my other Lost story, it's an ongoing series of Season 1 parodies very much like this one.

Part 2 of this will be coming shortly, with any luck in the next couple of days. Part 2 may be the final part or there may be a Part 3, depending on how much I write. Also, there will probably be more Firefly references. I originally had planned a deluge of them for Part 1 but decided that would probably be overkill. (If you never saw Firefly, here's a quick overview: Kate's hubby Kevin -- actor Nathan Fillion -- sexy beast -- Captain Mal on Firefly -- bitter, cynical starship captain of the future -- best TV show ever except for Lost. There you go.)

That is all, review and I will love you, do not review and I will spit at your funeral.


	2. Part 2

Season Three, Episode Six:  
I Do, _or_ In which various faintly ridiculous things happen, and Pickett is angry a lot

**Part Two**

Scene opens on FLIPPY-HAIRED KATE, who is SHOPPING in a SUPERMARKET. Her CELL PHONE rings.

KATE: Oh, hi!

It is her AGENT.

KATE: Whaddaya mean, you couldn't get me that slot on Desperate Housewives? I'm perfect for it! I've been immersing myself in the role and everything! Hang on a sec, I've got another call coming in.

It is KEVIN.

KEVIN: What's for dinner?

KATE: Tacos, you big strong man. Don't you know it's _Taco Night_, wink wink?

KEVIN: I love tacos!

KATE: Yeah, uh-huh, I'm just picking up the _beef_ right now, and later tonight I'll be sliding the _beef_ into the _shell_…

KEVIN: Yes, that is usually how tacos are prepared.

KATE: _Wink, wink_.

KEVIN: Are you sure you can make tacos?

KATE: Well, if you don't like them, you don't get any _dessert_, wink wink.

KEVIN: Oh yeah? What's for dessert?

KATE: SEX, you idiot!

KEVIN: Is that a new kind of pudding, or…?

KATE: Oh, forget it.

Slightly LATER, she is running OUTSIDE through the RAIN into a PHONE BOOTH. Her CELL PHONE rings.

KATE: Hello?

It is her AGENT again.

KATE: Whaddaya mean, you can't get me that role as Superwoman? I've been practicing changing clothes in phone booths for a week!

She HANGS UP, then gets an EGG TIMER out of her PURSE and SETS it.

KATE: Never leave home without one!

She uses the PHONE in the booth to CALL the MARSHAL.

MARSHAL: Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?

KATE: _What_?

MARSHAL: Just trying something new.

KATE: It's me.

MARSHAL: Oh! Hi, how's it going? How are the kids?

KATE: You don't know who this is, do you?

MARSHAL: I have no idea.

KATE: It's Kate.

MARSHAL: I know a lot of Kates.

KATE: I'm the one who blew up her daddy.

MARSHAL: Uh-huh…

KATE: The brunette one.

MARSHAL: OH! Oh yeah, I got you.

KATE: I want you to stop chasing me.

MARSHAL: Oh, do you have a new _girlfriend_?

KATE: _Boyfriend_. Husband, actually.

MARSHAL: Oh, right, it's the blond who has girlfriends.

KATE: So, how 'bout it?

MARSHAL: Um…sure. You stay in one place and don't, you know, murder anyone else, and I promise not to chase you anymore.

KATE: Deal!

Her TIMER DINGS.

KATE: Whoops, there's my egg timer!

MARSHAL: You're cooking an egg in a phone booth?

KATE: No, stupid, I had to time our conversation so you wouldn't be able to trace the call.

MARSHAL: Aw, shoot, I knew I forgot something.

Back on the ISLAND, JULIET takes KATE back to her CAGE. Kate notices that SAWYER is NOT in his CAGE.

KATE: OMG, where's Sawyer??

JULIET: I will be mysterious and ominous and not really answer your question!

KATE: What happened to our sisterly solidarity against the male oppressor?

JULIET: Well, I hate all men, including Sawyer, so I don't really care what Pickett does to him.

PICKETT leads SAWYER back to his CAGE.

KATE: Whew.

PICKETT: Yeah, yeah, I haven't killed him…_yet_.

KATE: Well, that's reassuring.

PICKETT: I'm gonna punch him in the face though!

SAWYER: OW!

PICKETT: And tomorrow…I'm gonna KILL you!

JULIET: Why do you hate Sawyer so much anyway, Danny?

PICKETT: You mean besides because of how good he looks without a shirt on? _So_ not fair, by the way.

JULIET: I mean, it was Sun who shot your wife, and it was Jack who failed to save her, and it was me who didn't get Jack in the operating room in time…Sawyer really hasn't done anything to you at all.

PICKETT: Well…I can't kill Sun, because she's not here, plus I don't know who she is, and I can't kill Jack because he needs to save Ben, and I can't kill Kate or you because you're, you know, girls, and so that leaves Sawyer!

JULIET: But why do you need to kill anyone at all?

PICKETT: Because I'm just full of hate and rage?

JULIET: In other words, it's a plot contrivance.

PICKETT: Basically.

Pickett and Juliet LEAVE.

SAWYER: How was your day, honey? What's for dinner?

KATE: Tacos.

Off on the MAIN ISLAND, LOCKE, SAYID, DESMOND, and the TWO UNMENTIONABLES are holding an impromptu FUNERAL.

EKO: Still dead.

FEMALE UNMENTIONABLE: Still annoying.

AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait…what happened to Locke and Sayid's mysterious detour?

LOCKE: Eko, I just had to go find your Jesus stick to use as your grave marker.

AUDIENCE: …

LOCKE: We thought it was important enough to mislead the viewers with and make them think we were actually going to do something.

AUDIENCE: So much for anything exciting happening in this episode.

LOCKE: So, anyway, Eko, I'm real sorry you died, but I know you died for a reason. As I was telling Sayid earlier, once many years ago I was in a junkyard, and there was a dog there that growled at me, but I decided to be nice to that dog and bring it food, and that dog ended up saving my life.

FEMALE UNMENTIONABLE: Amen.

MALE UNMENTIONABLE: Wooh, five seconds of screentime! How's my hair?

DESMOND: Even though I have barely said two words this entire episode, I have still managed to be many times more worthwhile than both of you. And now I will continue to stroke my beard and say nothing.

Locke suddenly NOTICES that the JESUS STICK is trying to give him a MESSAGE.

JESUS STICK: Psst, down here, ya moron! LIFT UP YER EYEBALLS AND LOOK NORTHWARDS!

LOCKE: North! Egad! I never would have thought to go north to find the Others, even though we made a special point way back in the second season to emphasize that Michael inexplicably went north to find Walt!

EKO: If the only point of my death was to point John in a direction he should have been able to figure out on his own, I will be _very_ upset.

Back on HYDRA ISLAND, KATE and SAWYER have a nice CONVERSATION in their CAGES.

SAWYER: I'm bored. Wanna play I Never?

KATE: I saw Jack. He gets grilled cheese sandwiches.

SAWYER: Any cookies?

KATE: No.

SAWYER: It'll be torture for him.

KATE: He's supposed to do some operation on Henry—I mean Ben.

SAWYER: Hey, we should call him Benry!

KATE: Oh my God. Not you too.

SAWYER: And I hope Benry dies.

KATE: If Benry dies, _you_ die.

SAWYER: You called him Benry!

KATE: Focus, Sawyer! You might not have noticed this, but Pickett has a slightly murderous inclination towards you.

SAWYER: He does seem to be somewhat full of unholy rage

KATE: And that's why we're gonna bust out of here!

She CLIMBS out of her CAGE.

SAWYER: No! No escaping!

KATE: Don't be ridiculous!

SAWER: I'd really rather wait calmly for death. You know…accepting my fate and all that jazz. It's a sign of maturity.

KATE: La la la, I'm not listening, I'm not listening!

She uses a ROCK to break the LOCK on Sawyer's CAGE.

AUDIENCE: Man…that is some shoddy craftsmanship on that lock. Either that or Kate really _is_ Superwoman.

SAWYER: Kate…I hoped never to have to tell you this, but…we're on another island!

KATE: What??

SAWYER: Yeah. And because of that, there is absolutely no point in us leaving our cages, even though Pickett is going to kill me in the morning.

KATE: Oh my gosh…you're right! It would be absolutely pointless, for instance, to go out and look for a boat, even though obviously the Others must have some way of going between islands!

SAWYER: Exactly! And it would also be absolutely pointless for us to try to find a hiding place or weapons of some sort! Clearly, the most sensible thing to do is stay right here in the cage and wait for Pickett to come murder me!

AUDIENCE: The characters of Lost reach a new level of stupidity.

WRITER #1: Quick, we've gotta find some way to distract the audience from the supreme ridiculousness of this staying-in-the-cage plot point!

WRITER #2: Okay. Look, something shiny!

WRITER #3: No, how about this… Look, something naked!

KATE: I'm so depressed now. Let's have sex.

SAWYER: Okay!

SKATERS: SKATE SEX!! Finally!

JATERS: NOOOOO!!

WRITER #3: It worked!

KATE: Observe my miraculously hairless armpits!

DORKY AUDIENCE MEMBERS: This is an extremely significant clue! The Others must have stolen her armpit hair in order to CLONE her!

SKATER: Who cares? It's SKATE SEX! RAH!

JATERS: hysterical sobbing

SAWYER: Oh Kate!

KATE: Oh Sawyer!

DIRECTOR: This scene is so hot it almost makes me forget that neither of them has bathed in weeks.

BEN, who is WATCHING on his VIDEO BANK: Now this is more like it! I'll make a recording and call it "Jungle Lovin' XXX," and then sell the tapes on eBay!

Kate has a FLASHBACK. She is SERVING BREAKFAST to KEVIN while wearing an APRON.

KATE: Yep, still gunning for that Desperate Housewives role.

KEVIN: French toast again? Don't we have any freeze-dried protein cubes?

KATE: No, why do you keep asking for those?

KEVIN: Nostalgia.

KATE: That excuse is getting old.

KEVIN: Guess what, I've got a surprise for you! We're goin' to Costa Rica, baby!

KATE: Hmm…

KEVIN: You don't seem thrilled.

KATE: Well, for one thing, I'm afraid that while we're on the plane you'll yell "Look out! Reavers!" every five minutes.

KEVIN: I told you that would never happen again!

KATE: Also, me being secretly a fugitive, I might have some trouble with the passport thing.

KEVIN: Well, I gotta go to work. It's so great being an authority figure and catching outlaws.

Back on the ISLAND, KATE and SAWYER are CUDDLING.

SAWYER: Kate…do you love me?

KATE: You smell bad.

SAWYER: You smell bad too.

AUDIENCE: That was so meaningful!

Meanwhile, JACK is NAPPING in his AQUARIUM CAGE. Suddenly, the INTERCOM makes a STATIC noise.

JACK: Football practice!

INTERCOM: The door is suddenly and very, very conveniently unlocked!

JACK: Cool!

He LEAVES the cage.

JACK: Now where would I find some cookies…

Instead of cookies, he finds the VIDEO BANK ROOM, where there are some GUNS and a pile of VIDEOTAPES.

JACK: "Jungle Lovin' XXX"? What's this?

Then, he notices KATE and SAWYER on one of the VIDEO SCREENS.

JACK: Naked cuddling…jungle lovin'…oh my God!

SAWYER: Ha-ha!

JACK: Even though I always strung Kate along and punished her whenever she did anything wrong and never made a move on her despite much first-season flirtation…this is very depressing.

BEN enters the room.

BEN: Oops, you found the videotapes. Listen, don't tell anyone, and I'll cut you in on a share of the profits.

JACK: Oh, hi, it's you! Guess what, I though of a great nickname for you!

BEN: Um. What's that?

JACK: Benry!

BEN: …

JACK: Can I call you Benry?

BEN: Um. Sure…

JACK: Great! So, Benry, the sight of Kate and Sawyer cuddling has upset me so much that I've changed my mind about the operation.

BEN: Awesome.

JACK: On one condition… YOU GET ME THE HELL OFF THIS ISLAND! If Kate doesn't want me, there's no point in staying!

BEN: Calm down, Mr. Crazy Eyes. I'll get you off _this_ island, don't worry.

JACK: I am far too upset about Kate's rejection to pay attention to your odd emphasis on the word "this."

BEN: Bahahaha.

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

AN: Yay for my timely update! Seriously, that almost never happens with me; I am a big procrastinator. But I'm on a bit of a roll with this story now that I've hit my stride. Part 3 is coming soon. 

Disclaimer: Blah, forgot about this. Is anyone surprised to learn that I am in no way the owner of the Lost franchise? No? Good. I am, however, the owner of the Season 1 and 2 DVDs, a bootleg copy of S3E6 (which I am using to write this parody), various issues of Lost magazine, a Charlie action figure, and two homemade posters featuring the visages of Sayid, Desmond, and Sawyer.

Same as before: You review, I shower you with gratitude; you refrain, I spit at your funeral.


	3. Part 3

Season Three, Episode Six:  
I Do, _or_ In which various faintly ridiculous things happen, and Pickett is angry a lot

**Part Three**

Scene opens on a FLASHBACK. KATE is in the BATHROOM, taking a PREGNANCY TEST.

WRITER #1: Remember way back in season two when Kate told Sun she'd taken a pregnancy test? Well, this is it!

WRITER #2: We can tick that one off the list!

PREGNANCY TEST: Don't worry, I'm blue! I mean, a minus sign. Whatever means negative on a pregnancy test these days.

KATE: Whew. Must be cancer. That's a relief.

Slightly LATER, she brings KEVIN an ICED TEA.

KATE: Oh, you're working _so hard_! What are you doing?

KEVIN: I'm afraid your pretty little head wouldn't understand.

KATE: Drink the tea!

KEVIN: I'll drink it a little later, I'm not so—

KATE: No, you need to drink it _now_!

KEVIN: Um…why?

KATE: Because I added a little drug—I mean…lemon, and I want you to let me know what you think.

KEVIN: Oh. Well, okay then.

He DRINKS.

KEVIN: Not really tasting the lemon.

KATE: I'm a criminal. I blew up my father. I've been on the run for years.

KEVIN: Huh. So you're a fugitive. I'm a cop. Not exactly a match made in heaven.

KATE: But face it, hubby… I'm really hot.

KEVIN: I want a divorce!

Kate begins to CRY.

KATE: I tried. I actually tried. I thought, "This is a decent man. The genuine article." I thought if I had everything then I wouldn't want…

KEVIN: Heinrich the Security Programmer?

KATE: _Who_?

KEVIN: Um…never mind.

KATE: Can people ever change?

KEVIN: Depends on the person. I'm guessing when the pain of this fades away, you'll just go back to being what you are…a brilliant, beautiful, evil, double-crossing snake.

KATE: My name's not Yolanda—I mean Saffron—I mean Monica!

KEVIN: Never entered my mind it was.

KATE: You won't tell anyone about me breaking down?

KEVIN: I won't.

KATE: Then I won't tell anyone how easily I drugged you.

KEVIN: I'll take that as a kindness.

He COLLAPSES.

KATE: And now I will put your mother's gold heirloom necklace into your limp fingers, thereby making at least slightly important the heretofore completely useless scene with the mother-in-law and the necklace! Bye bye now!

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and JULIET are preparing for the OPERATION on BEN.

JACK: You need to do absolutely everything I say!

JULIET: Power trip much? (Kill Ben.)

JACK: No, I am _not_ on a power trip, I'm just a completely brilliant doctor!

JULIET: Uh-huh. (Kill Ben.)

JACK: Don't you take that tone with me! I _am_ brilliant!

JULIET: Don't we look funny in these surgical masks? (Kill Ben.)

JACK: I gotta go, your subliminal messaging is giving me a headache.

They go into the OPERATING ROOM.

BEN: How do I look in my paper robe?

JACK: Nice. Very nice.

BEN: Don't be creepy.

JULIET: So, ready to die—I mean…be cured?

BEN: Oh, yes. Jack, I trust you completely.

JACK: Reallly? Even though you're the man responsible for all the hostilities me and my friends have endured on this island? And you are currently holding me hostage and threatening my friends with death?

BEN: Water under the bridge.

JACK: Whatever, Benry.

BEN: You are annoying.

JACK: Is it really wise to insult your surgeon?

BEN: Do you have _any_ friends?

JACK: Seriously, Benry, I'm holding a scalpel.

BEN: Sorry. I'm just a little nervous.

JACK: Let me tell you a story about my competency to make you feel better.

BEN: Okay.

JACK: So this one time, I was operating on a sixteen-year-old girl, and I accidentally sliced open her spinal somethin', and there was angel hair pasta—

BEN: Where'd the pasta come from?

JACK: Her spine.

BEN: She had pasta in her spine?

JACK: Yes.

BEN: Weird.

JACK: And then she died.

BEN: Because of the pasta?

JACK: No, because of how I accidentally sliced open something I wasn't supposed to.

BEN: This makes me feel so much better.

JACK: So, it's time for you to fall asleep and go under my knife!

BEN: Wait! I changed my mind! Stop the…fuzzy bunny slippers…

He FALLS ASLEEP.

TOM: What'd he say? "Stop the fuzzy bunny slippers"? What does _that_ mean?

JULIET: Nothing!

TOM: Huh. Oh well.

JULIET: Here's the nice sharp scalpel, Jack! (Kill Ben.)

JACK: Stop that!

JULIET: Sorry.

PICKETT: Ben's unconscious, I can go murder Sawyer now! Luckily for me Sawyer and Kate are so stupid they didn't even _try_ to escape even though they totally could!

TOM: Do you really think murdering Sawyer is such a good idea? I mean—

PICKETT: You were a lot more commanding when you were a guy in a beard on a boat.

TOM: I know. I cry myself to sleep every night.

PICKETT: And now let me deliver the ONE LINE in the entire episode that internet freaks will obsess over.

TOM: Huh?

PICKETT: Jacob's list! JACOB'S LIST!!

TOM: Did you just say something about JACOB'S LIST?

PICKETT: Yeah! I said that JACK WASN'T ON JACOB'S LIST!

WRITERS: Gosh I hope we were subtle enough there.

Pickett STORMS OUT to the CAGES, where it is RAINING in an appropriately DRAMATIC fashion.

KATE: We're still here!

AUDIENCE: _Idiots_!

WRITERS: It's supposed to be _symbolic_ because Kate's finally stopped running! Have you no literary soul?

AUDIENCE: Screw this, we're watching American Idol.

KATE: Please don't kill Sawyer! I love him!

PICKETT: Yeah, well, good job on trying to save his life then.

KATE: It's _symbolic_!

PICKETT: Yeah, well, all the symbolism in the world won't save Sawyer now!

Back in the OPERATING ROOM, JACK is being very DOCTOR-Y.

JACK: Scalpel! Clamp! Aspirin! Screwdriver! That other thingamajig!

JULIET: (Kill Ben.)

JACK: Don't worry, it's only a matter of time. Woops, I think I just dropped the screwdriver in there somewhere…

JULIET: (Kill Ben.)

JACK: Hm…I think I just accidentally sliced open his kidney something-or-other…

JULIET: (Kill Ben.)

JACK: Oooh, idea! I'll pretend I sliced open the kidney thing on purpose! And then I'll do some masterful maneuvering in order to free Kate! Because that is how good of a person I am!

JULIET: Sooo…does all that mean that Ben dies?

JACK: Probably.

JULIET: Well, then I'm all for it!

Jack PUNCHES a RANDOM PERSON.

JACK: And that was just for fun.

TOM: I'm gonna stand here with my mouth hanging open like a huge doofus.

JACK: Hey, you bearded guy! Gimme your walkie-talkie or Ben dies!

TOM: Okay! Okay, I'll give it to you! And then I will spend several hours sobbing at the loss of my once mysterious and commanding persona!

Back at the CAGES…

SAWYER: I'm not giving up without a fight, Pickett! There's no way I'm just going to sit here and wait for you to kill me!

PICKETT: Really? Isn't that what you were doing all night?

SAWYER: Umm…

Sawyer gets SUCKED into a BLACK PLOT HOLE.

PICKETT: Listen, if you don't let me murder you, I'm going to kill Kate too!

SAWYER: Darn! Oh, well, in that case, I really _will_ give up without a fight.

KATE: Nooooo!

AUDIENCE: This might have been touching if we didn't know they had _all night_ to escape.

Pickett THROWS SAWYER to his KNEES and puts a GUN to his HEAD.

SAWYER: I am ready to face my heroic death!

KATE: No, you can't die! Not when you look so sexy and heroic in the pouring rain!

SAWYER: It's okay, Kate. Don't watch. I _do_ sound heroic, don't I?

KATE: I love you!

SAWYER: I know.

PICKETT: Quit the mushy stuff and prepare to die! This is for Colleen!

SAWYER: Who?

PICKETT: Colleen! My wife, Colleen! I'm killing you to avenge her death even though you had absolutely no part in it!

SAWYER: Oh. Well, as long as I know I'm dying for a good reason.

PICKETT: I'm pulling the trigger…right…n—

TOM on the WALKIE-TALKIE: Deus ex machina calling!

PICKETT: Foiled again! If only I'd pulled the trigger two seconds earlier instead of waiting for that last dramatic pause!

TOM: Give the walkie-talkie to Kate or Ben dies!

PICKETT: I really don't care if he dies.

TOM: …Oh.

PICKETT: But hey what the hell, gotta keep the plot going.

He GIVES the WALKIE-TALKIE to KATE.

KATE: Hello?

JACK on the WALKIE-TALKIE: Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?

KATE: Jack, this is no time to play Guess That Quote.

JACK: You've got to ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?"

KATE: JACK! Sawyer's getting murdered here! Did you have anything important to say?

JACK: Oh yeah, well, I accidentally cut Ben's kidney thingummy open, and then I decided to pretend it was part of a master plot.

KATE: That's what I like about you, Jack…you can think on your feet.

SAWYER: I am glaring an evil death stare at Jack through the walkie-talkie.

JACK: So, I thought that you could escape with the walkie-talkie, and let me know when you're safe so I can stitch Benry back up and save his life!

KATE: Are you really going to be able to save him?

JACK: Probably not. But _they_ don't know that!

KATE: Brilliant!

JACK: I know! Now thanks to me, you guys have a whole hour to escape!

KATE: Wow! You know yesterday we only had a whole _night_ to escape!

JACK: Yeah, but if you'd done that I wouldn't have had this chance to be a hero! And of course I _have_ to be the hero!

KATE: But Jack, we can't leave without you!

JACK: Yes you can…I'll be okay!

KATE: Wow, you sound almost as heroic as Sawyer!

SAWYER: glare glare glare.

JACK: Dammit, Kate, RUN!!

-LOST-

AUDIENCE: That's it? That's the cliffhanger that's supposed to last us for almost three months?

WRITERS: What? What's the problem? There's tons of suspense! Will Pickett shoot Sawyer? Will Sawyer and Kate escape?

The PREVIEWS for FEBRUARY promptly show SAWYER and KATE RUNNING through the JUNGLE.

AUDIENCE: We have a few hunches.

WRITERS: Erm…yeah, well, we promise tons of exciting new revelations in February!

AUDIENCE: Like what?

WRITERS: Like… Has Kate _really_ picked Sawyer?

AUDIENCE: GAAAAH!!!

* * *

AN: I was a little late with this, sorry about that…life happens, you know. Anyway, I'm back at school and I couldn't think of anything better to do on a Friday night than finish up this story. Writing more is one of my New Year's Resolutions, actually, along with reading more. (Never would have though I'd have to _resolve_ to do that, but I was so busy last semester I only read like three books that weren't for class. Most depressing.) Sorry for the large chunk of Firefly dialogue in this chapter, by the way...it just fit way too perfectly for me to not include it. 

So I had the TV turned on for background noise while writing, and on ABC they're showing Lost promos like every 10 minutes. Which is good, since what with the time change it definitely needs to be well-advertized. I just hope the rest of Season 3 lives up to the hype.

It was lovely writing this story; it's over now but if you want more, check out my Season 1 parodies. Now I'm off to play Pass The Pigs and eat peanut butter/jelly/honey sandwiches with my roomie (we're too broke to do something normal like order pizza).


End file.
